It has been far too long since I have blogged here. So much has changed from the time I created Mommy Means Business. In that time, I have gotten more comfortable with just being myself. Showing the other side of the big smile. Becoming more transparent. If you follow me on Instagram you’ve likely seen the progression happen over time.
I turned 30 this year. I don’t know if that self-assuredness and transparency comes with age, with certain life experiences, or just the fact that I spend much of my time absorbing personal growth. Whatever it is, it feels good. There is so much freedom in just being real, raw, and honest with yourself and with others. It allows you to skip the small talk and dive into what really matters. I notice that it’s helped me attract very similar people into my life and that has been a Godsend in many ways. People who encourage, inspire, and have a hunger for growth are my kind of people.
I’ll start by catching you all up on what’s unfolded over the last few months. My family and I moved from the Bay Area back down to where I was raised, in Southern California. It was such a whirlwind of emotion and a test of strength having to pick up and leave some of our closest friends behind. Being a military spouse you can easily become calloused & so independent that you learn to do everything alone. You don’t ask for help no matter how badly you may need it because you convince yourself you’re strong enough to handle it alone. It’s how you cope. Then somewhere along the way you meet other wives who wiggle their way into your heart. They teach you how to ask for help & they make you realize how much better life is with them in it. I have been so incredibly blessed with the friends I’ve made over the years & this time was no different. I was broken and rebuilt there, with the help of my friends. I’ll forever be thankful to the ladies who took my boys for play dates because they knew I needed the help without saying it. They became family.
I don’t think I have ever shared about my battle with depression here before. It started as a teenager and went well into my twenties. It was such a big scary dark secret of mine because I was ashamed of it. I didn’t want to be viewed as weak. As vulnerable. Over the last couple years, it is something I slowly pulled myself out of. Before that point, I struggled badly with the military lifestyle, the loneliness, and stress of it all. I spent many nights hiding the tears falling down my face from my kids. There were times when they caught glimpses of the tears streaming down my cheeks, as I washed dishes before their bedtime. I did my best to put a smile on and assure them that I was okay. Sad, but okay. I don’t carry that dark burden like I once did, but it does try to come over me during times when I am feeling overwhelmed. I have moments where I feel stuck. Paralyzed by my fears.
The big difference is, now I know how to handle it. I spend time on a daily basis filling my mind with positivity; with things that force me to open my eyes and learn new ways, not only for myself, but for my kids, and so that I can help others. I use fitness as my outlet. It relieves my stress and builds my confidence. I listen to happy music. I dance. I sing. I do things that make me feel like a kid again. I strive to make memories.
During that time of change and growth, it allowed me to open my eyes to so many of the fears I had been holding onto. The things I had known I needed to face, but couldn’t before, I was finally brave enough to. That is what I have been doing, one day at a time.
So, here I am, June 3rd, still in the midst of so much change. The boys and I have been staying with family while I searched for a home. I honestly thought I would have found a place much sooner than I did, but I am thankful I didn’t settle and I waited for what I really wanted. I picked a place with great schools, a friendly community, and so much to do, including nearby wineries. I smile as I type that last part. We will be starting over in the next month and although it is scary, I feel ready.
The older I get the more I realize that life isn’t all about knowing the next step. About having a detailed plan. Or about being perfect. It’s about growing, learning, and being true to yourself. It’s about loving yourself enough to listen to your inner voice. It’s about understanding what you want out of life, by getting to know who you really are. It’s about letting go and being real. It’s about embracing change.